Brand New Fatwa in the House

“Infidels! My name is Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. I’m the ISIS guy. I know, these pics suck – but what can you expect from the State Dept? From now on, I’m the new Caliph; fell free to bask in my holy glow. Apart from a lot of cool Toyotas, I own a chunk of real estate stretching from Aleppo to Diyala – but there’s more to come. Obey me – or else, and “else” includes beheading and crucifixion. Now excuse me because I must get a piece of that Obama $500 billion “appropriately vetted” gig. Allahu Akbar. And as a leader of Muslims everywhere, I also proclaim that Algeria is only allowed to win the World Cup if it imposes sharia law on the pitch. Beheading Neuer, Muller and Schweinsteiger is also allowed. Allahu Akbar!”

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